Ungrateful.

What does it mean for someone to be ungrateful? That they don’t appreciate what you do for them. But does it end there? Is it just that they don’t thank you? Or perhaps they don’t even seem to be the least indebted to you somehow, okay, maybe not indebted, but at least willing to to return the favor?

There is one thing about me that perhaps is my best and worst trait all in one. I like pleasing people. Perhaps the fact that I grew up Chinese has something to do with it.. the kind of satisfaction we feel when we please our parents really surpasses anything else we can do to prove ourselves to them. When they are proud, when they feel like you did well.. Jesus, we finally did it. You know what I mean? Maybe you don’t, I don’t mean to stereotypes my parents but it’s true. At least for my family, the number one thing that my brother was after for the past 23 years of his life was to please my father. As sad as that sounds, that the truth. So perhaps somewhere along the way in my past 20ish years of life.. it’s been permanently engrained in me this incessant need to please people. Not just please anyone of course, people around me, people I care about. 

I forget a lot of things my dad has tried to teach me, but the one thing I will always remember him nagging me about.. is that when he asks me to do 10, I should do 11. Without being asked, I should go the extra mile. He would always tell me about how he teaches his secretaries.. how in the end, they always foresee what he needs and gets things done before he has to even open his mouth to ask. 

So what was the point of all that? I’m getting there, I promise. I’ve been so frustrated for the past few days. It’s my nature to want to take care of people, to do things and get things for them when I know that it will come in handy. Or maybe I’ll do it just because I know that it will make them happy. And I sincerely do this out of the little kindness that’s left in this bitchy heart of mine. I do it because I like seeing people happy and I never expect people to do the same for me and always return the favor.. not even favor, just an act of kindness. I really don’t. I don’t even think about it afterwards… not really, not until you getting me this fucking pissed.

I’m going to point out on person in particular because my frustration with you is so out of control that it really makes me want to fucking cry. I always think of you in everything I do, I try to make everything as easy for you as possible and as convenient as possible. I will go out of my way for you and I do it so much that you think that me going out of my way is.. normal now. Fine, then be it, it’s my fault that I’ve been too much and I’ve just spoiled the fuck out of you to the point where you don’t even realize you’re a spoiled son of a bitch already. And even so, it’s not a big deal to me, I don’t need you to constantly thank me and kiss my feet for just doing what’s natural for me. But fuck.. will it kill you to think of me once in awhile? Do you ever think about the shit I go through to do what I do sometimes? Do you ever take into consideration the time and effort that I’ve put in and invested in this relationship? I can’t remember the last time you’ve done something nice for me. To be honest, I can’t even remember the last time you’ve done just a little more than the bare minimum, let alone go out of your way for me. 

Maybe just once, I’d like to feel appreciated. That you recognize that I have really given an arm and a leg in the past year and worked my fucking ass of for us. I have accepted every damn change you’ve wanted in these past years.. endured all this shit that you’ve burdened me with. Unconditionally. Seriously.. but you always end up making me feel like a piece of shit. I feel so unappreciated. Do you even care that I do all of this? I really don’t think you do. Because in the end, every time… your response to all of this… is with more ungratefulness. You turn it back on me like I hold on to all of this and always shove it in your face about everything I do and how you can never do the same. No, it’s not like that at all.. I wouldn’t even dream of you to be like that. Nor do I even think that it’s “so much”. I just want to be CONSIDERED. I want to be put as a priority in your life, too. Or else.. I’ve really just wasted the past four years of my life, haven’t I?

No one knows how to make me feel this shitty except for you.